An Open Letter To The Class of 2010

[Here something I wrote for a school assignment. You can tell that I have been reading Kurt Vonnegut. In my opinion Vonnegut's style of writing is about as idiosyncratic as the brush strokes of Vincent Van Gogh. This can only hope to be a pale imitation at best.]

Hello,

So we come yet again to the end of another academic year. This is conventionally a time for reflection. I am counting down the days to the end of my sojourn in poly (another day another $5.75, for non-citizens it’s $8.63) and have been asked to do a reflection for my WISP module.
In this module, which is compulsory for year three students we learn about World Issues, somehow this ended up being a study of the ways in which human beings mistreat other human beings.

I have decided to write my reflection in the form of an open letter to all the students studying in Ngee Ann. (Why not?) I hope you will spare me a little of your time.

This is why I think so many human beings treat other human beings like they are less than human beings.
From the time that we were born to about age 5, give or take a couple of years, most of us as babies were showered with so much care and attention, everything was new and we had more or less unconditional love from our parents.
Then as we grew older and less cute, we begin to learn that the world was sometimes a less than wonderful place to live in. Daddy was grumpy after work, Mummy was less amazed at everything we did and sometimes we didn’t get what we wanted even though we cried really hard.

Teenage years are marked with confusion. Our bodies were growing and changing in alarming ways and we did not feel comfortable talking to our parents about it. And all the time we are coming up with more elaborate and complicated ways of saying “Look at me!” and “Love me!” which were often ineffective.

On reaching adulthood, it suddenly became polite behaviour not to do things that say “Look at me!” and ‘Love me!”

I think this - often sudden - change from having unconditional love to having to live without it has left much of the world’s population with irreparable mental and emotional damage.

Many of people’s actions are basically different ways of saying “Look at me!” and “Love me!”
Some people try to gather more shiny things than others. Some people work to get authority over others. Some people write letters to people they don’t know. Some people strap explosives to themselves and put on a one man fireworks performance.
When Hitler wanted people to pay attention to him and to love him, he tried painting pretty pictures. When that didn’t work he became a dictator and tried to wipe out what he perceived were unsavoury groups of people. He failed at that too. Some people are more damaged than others.

Sometimes I think people spend too much time trying to be who they think they should be and too little time dreaming about who they want to be. (I used to dream about being an Astronaut or a Rock Star – “Look at me!” – now all I do is wonder why all the girls I have a crush on turn out to already have boyfriends)

Perhaps it would be a good idea to assign a psychiatrist to every child or to have psychology included in the curriculum in schools so people can recognize when someone had gone batshit insane and warn the rest of us not to listen to that person.

Yes, and if an extra-terrestrial being that was knowledgeable in human psychology were to make a general diagnosis of the inhabitants of Earth, it may look something like this:

Chronic Schizophrenia probably stemming from a traumatic childhood experience, sexuality issues, dangerous self-destructive tendencies, possibly suicidal.

Did you know that only until recently has there been talk about giving homosexuals the same rights as other human beings here in Singapore? This is something that many people have no control over, like the colour of their skin.

But at least we are making progress, in the United States of America, slavery was legal for almost a hundred years before they decided it was probably not such a good idea.

So I had to check my calendar to make sure we weren’t going backwards in time when I read that our own Health Minister Mr Khaw Boon Wan said: “it is only right for citizens to enjoy more subsidies than non-citizens”

In the midst of all this talk about citizens and non-citizens lately, I feel it is important to reiterate that nobody should feel entitled to anything in life except to be treated decently as a human being.
I feel the government is on a slippery slope with this issue, too much appeasing the masses and we might just end up a one dimensional caricature of privileged entitlement, spouting asinine catch phrases and starring in bad reality shows.

Perhaps the most significant step we have taken to ensure that people everywhere are treated like decent human beings in recent times is the growing use of the phrase “It’s Okay”.

These are some of the things that we have recently said “It’s Okay” to.

To be born with a skin colour other than white
To have imaginary friends
To be female
To not know how to whistle
To be guilty about being more fortunate than others
To be homosexual
To not be good in bed
To be different

The last significant step towards the decent treatment of other human beings was made approximately 1980 years ago when a man stood on a hill and said something along these lines to the people around him.

‘If you want people to be nice to you, it would be helpful if you were nice to them too’

Just yesterday I heard the writer J.D. Salinger passed away, Salinger of course was known for writing ‘The Catcher in the Rye’. I remember reading that book, although I don’t recall much of the story – nothing much happens anyway – because I identified with the main character Holden. There I was just coming out of puberty, still full of angst and frustration and there in the pages of this book was reflected the thoughts and emotions I felt but could never really put into words.
I felt, as I have felt from reading other books, that I was not alone. It was a great comfort at a time when I was vulnerable emotionally and it was all the more special because it was so private.

So my advice to you is to read. It is an easy way to feel better about living in a place where so many problems are caused by other people. it is cheap too.

I will end this letter with two quotes, one is the best introduction to life I have ever come across and the other is from the most popular book in the world. (Surprise, it’s not Harry Potter)

“Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies — "God damn it, you've got to be kind.”

- Kurt Vonnegut from “God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater”


“Be Fruitful and Multiply”

- The most famous Imaginary Friend in the world



Thank You for your attention.

Yours Fraternally
Aaron Tang

Look at me, I'm Kind!

It’s gonna have to be a short one from me this week, I would promise that I would write more after my pile of school work would get the hint and go away already. (I’m at the every conversation punctuated with awkward silences and variations of “so how was your day?” stage so it shouldn’t be too long now.)

But I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep.
Actually I do that all the time, but, and here’s the best bit, if you say that people are somehow less annoyed when you do it.

Also, yes that is how I end all my relationships.

Now here’s the part where I try to make you laugh, or chortle, or chuckle, or grin, I’ll settle for an amused smile, ok just promise you won’t hit me.

Ahh… here we go again. Just this night we were once again subject to celebrities cadging in the guise of entertainment.
Yes, it’s the semi-regular charity show.
There was once I thought that the things only came once every year, then different shows benefiting different charities were introduced when there were two competing networks and I was ok with that.
But then the two networks merged, in the same manner a shark would ‘merge’ with a seal by eating it, and it was as if a declaration of war was made among the charities over who put on the best show.

NKF had tradition and shiny prizes.
Ren Ci had that self-sacrificing monk and took the moral high ground offering no prizes. Hey, guess what Ren Ci money has no morals!
And then there are some other small charities nobody cares about because their CEOs haven’t stolen anything yet.

The thing that really rubs my scrotum the wrong way is that faint smug looks on those celebrities faces as they practically beg for the audience to call. It is like a corporate wank fest for narcissists earning a scout badge.
And Christ, do they make those celebrities jump through hoops and dance like monkeys. I mean why can’t they just do what they do best?
Singing and looking good.
It works for other fund raising/ awareness shows look at live8, or the other ones where musicians stage a concert to benefit whatever tragedy was happening when they opened the newspapers.

Oh that’s right! Because they aren’t good at what they do.

Before anyone feels the need to call me out on being a hypocrite and a sanctimonious prick. (I am)
Yes, money is not beholden to any moral standard, so no matter how pathetic their attempts at professional scrounging are, at least they are helping the charities.
Now if only the charities will help the people in need. HA!

Here is how I propose a show benefiting charities can be put on with minimal loss of dignity.


Nobody can say no to this.

Also I know my lighthearted posts may lead one to think that I am quite well to do, but this is not true. Do you know I still rely on my parents for income? With just a small donation of $10 you could feed me and my insatiable appetite for music CDs and video games. I just know you will help me because I believe that you all are such kind people who would never pass on an opportunity to exchange money for a sense of superiority.

Pocoyo Learns An Important Lesson

Disembodied Voice: Why hello there, Pocoyo! What are you up to today?



DV: Ahh, I see. It seems Pocoyo would like to play with you Pato.
Do you have time to play with Pocoyo, Pato?



DV: Hmm… It seems that Pato doesn’t want to play with you Pocoyo.
He thinks you are an infantile childish prat and he doesn’t want to play with you because it always ends with him covered in your spittle.



DV: I’m sorry, Pocoyo but it seems you will have to play by yourself.



DV: Hmm… Well if nobody wants to play with you why don’t you make up an imaginary friend then you don’t have to play alone.



DV: Haha, yes. That’s very good Pocoyo. All your imaginary friend needs now is a name. What are you going to call your imaginary friend Pocoyo?



DV: You are going to call your friend ‘Halla’? Yes, that is rather a fun name to call an imaginary friend isn’t it?



DV: Oh look! Here comes Pato now. Maybe you should introduce ‘Halla’ to Pato.



DV: Hello Pato! Pocoyo would like to introduce you to his new friend. Tell him what your friend’s name is, Pocoyo.

Pocoyo: ‘Halla’!



Pato: Quack! Quackquack’Halla’QUACK!

DV: What’s this? Pato seems to be angry at Pocoyo. He says that Pocoyo stole his imaginary friend’s name! Oh dear!



Pocoyo: No, Pocoyo didn’t steal!



DV: Pocoyo is saying that he did not steal Pato’s imaginary friend’s name. And besides it is clearly stated in the book of ‘Rules of Imaginary Friend’s Names’ that it is ok for a person to want to call their imaginary friend by the same name as their friend’s imaginary friends.



Pato: QfUacKk YoU!

DV: Oh Dear, Pocoyo and Pato are fighting now!


DV: Oh my word!


DV: Oww! That looked like it hurt.


DV: STTTOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPP!!!!



DV: Don’t you see what happened? Your obsession over the names of your imaginary friends has made you neglect what is Really Important, your Real Friends, Each Other.



DV: I think there is something you should say to each other, don’t you?



Pato: Quack (sorry)
Pocoyo: Sowwi (sorry)



DV: Good now everyone is friends again. HURRAY FOR PATO! AND HURRAY FOR POCOYO! See you soon, Bye!


Now children don’t you think we could learn a bit from Pocoyo and his friends?



[I guess I should say Pocoyo is not my creation, so all rights to the creators and all that legal jazz, don't sue me please]

God, Already?

A few days ago the world was, for a moment, united in celebration. Although that moment would come earlier or later for different people depending on where on the surface of this floating mudball they happened to be at that time.

What, you might ask, could possibly transcend racial, ideological, religious and national boundaries?
That was a rhetorical question, if you had to spend more than 1 second thinking about it, you really ought to just give up on life right now because you obviously have no clue. The answer is, of course, New Years Day.

Don’t you love how I castigated anyone for not knowing the answer to my rhetorical question then proceeding to answer it just in case anybody was still having trouble figuring it out? I am kidding about killing yourself if the answer did not immediately leaped at you and slapped you with 2010 calendars with January 1 circled in bold red.

I mean who else would read my blog?

People of the world stood anxiously watching the numbers at the back of their time-keeping devices roll over and experienced such unbridled joy at seeing such an amazing tableau of arithmetic that they shot off rockets in a shower of orgasmic bliss.

And they said Mathematics was boring!

Parents who are fully aware of the connotations behind such a display smiled knowingly with a wink and a nod to other parents while children stared transfixed unable to understand exactly why it made them so happy and just soaking in the atmosphere.

I remember vividly how the last seconds of the previous year was spent. I was thoroughly engaged in sorting out if the New Year started at midnight or just after that, I was shaken from my deliberations from some distracting shouting from the television then decided to give it up as the question was already obsolete.

But here is another question, one that I believe should be publicly discussed, why should we celebrate New Years Day?

Yes, I know it is supposed to be about hope for a better year ahead, but it just seems illogical to me, like buying a JBL 38-Special Reef Gun before you are absolutely sure you won the lottery.


How was I to know I couldn’t use it to catch fish in Singapore?
Also it was on sale, only $207.43!

What I propose instead is a different holiday, it will be held on the 31 December every year and it will be called ‘Good Riddance Day’ or ‘Day of Good Riddance’ depending on how pretentious you want to be.

The ‘Day of Good Riddance’ would, as the name suggests, be a celebration of all the bad stuff that we hope to leave behind, it would be celebrated in the same manner in which people try to forget things, by getting stupidly drunk.

I believe that the ‘Day of Good Riddance’ would be a more legitimate holiday than New Years Day, simply because while nobody can say with any certainty that the proceeding year would turn out to be one worthy of celebration, everyone will ineluctably end up with at least a couple of things they want to forget at the end of each year.

So there it is, I am officially renouncing New Years Day and will from now on only celebrate the ‘Day of Good Riddance’ and I hope all of my readers will follow my lead and spread the word.

It won’t be hard, all that is really different is the name and that it is a day earlier.