On Holiday

I had recently been suddenly stricken by the inexplicable desire to travel and just today I waltzed into a quaint little travel agency I happened across while out buying those decorative parasols you find perched on cocktail glasses.
Soooo…. I am going to be away for at least the next two weeks.

As it was a spur of the moment thing, my choices were rather limited, which was not helped by the state of my bank account.

Here I’ll copy this brochure my travel agent gave me. (It sure has a lot of strange typos though)

Well see you in two weeks.



Pulau Tekong

This idyllic island resort located just minutes away from the main island of Singapore is the perfect getaway for the busy businessman, secondary school dropout or low budget masochist.

This forgotten gem of the East remained largely uninhabited and unspoiled by human hands until early last century. Not long after achieving independence it was thought that it would be in the country’s best interest to allow the construction of resorts to attract tourists, thus the Marina Bay Sands and the Resorts World Sentosa were built.

Palau Tekong is unlike the other resorts in that it caters to a highly exclusive customer base and most are under invitation of the Singapore Government itself, which is a major shareholder in the resort, we feel that this contributes immensely to our unique ‘feel’ that has been highly praised by past visitors.

In designing the resort, great care was taken not to disturb the native ecosystem as the management is keenly environmentally conscious. It would interest the more adventurous visitors that the local flora and fauna such as the boar, 50 different species of trees and 87 species of mosquito are quite a common sight around the resort.

Our service staff has received numerous awards and counts among the region's best, they would be delighted to attend to your every need and ensure your fullest displeasure.

We pride ourselves on our excellent wellness facilities and an army of our enthusiastic fitness instructors will gladly reprimand you into a figure that you would not be embarrassed to walk around in public with.

So what are you waiting for? Christmas? Get off your lazy ass now and check into Resort Palau Tekong Today!


You Faggot!

So 4 straight men walked into a theater...

A lot of times in life one is merely presented with a situation and it is up to the individual to react to it, hoping for the best, and having emerged from one problem it is not uncommon to find oneself stumbling with uncontrollable momentum into another. Such is life, they say.

Often when attempting to piece together a coherent and chronological sequence of bad decisions and forced encounters, one finds, quite frustratingly, no discernable order or distinguishable trait which one might use to prevent future quagmires.

Nonetheless, I find myself wondering with no little consternation how I stumbled into the situation I found myself in recently.

It began innocuously enough, a meeting of old friends to commiserate collectively at our uncertain futures, which any well adjusted human being invariably calculates to be to his or her disadvantage, as strange as it is.

Having been sufficiently stewed in the uneasy feeling of dread, a suggestion was made to avail ourselves of some light entertainment. The cinema being the most convenient and agreeable, a general consensus was reached to distract ourselves from our troubles with the improbable adventures of a Persian prince and his mystical dagger.

At this most inopportune moment, it was realised that one of the group was already very familiar with the adventures of the Persian prince having watched the movie previously. After much deliberating and polite hesitation, a splinter group of four emerged, of which I counted myself as one.

It was decided that the four would travel to Orchard as the population of skirts were more healthy and were generally of better stock, it is also there that a different movie would be available.

Upon arriving at the box office of the cinema, the irate cow behind the glass tapped impatiently on a mouse causing an image to appear on a screen which caused the party much dismay. The only unoccupied spaces in the theater was the aisles, which years of accumulated spilled Pepsi and other bodily evacuations have rendered unfit for seating, also it posed a fire safety risk.

The statuesque matron stared glassy eyed like a cow after an exhausting day of chewing grass as we played verbal hot potato with movie titles. During a lull in our game, someone casually mentioned ‘Sex and the City 2’, not wanting to seem like indecisive morons to the uncaring salary worker, we unthinkingly muttered our agreements.

That is how it came to be that four straight young men bought tickets to watch a porno flick for middle aged women.

As we walked away from the box office and the full import of what had just transpired had not yet sunk in, somebody suggested helpfully “M18, so got sex one right”, to which another more lucidly replied “who wants to watch ugly, middle aged women have sex?”

The conversation became more and more sparse as it became increasingly clear that we were out of place in that theater. The whole affair came to a head when the movie began with the wedding of a homosexual couple.

We spent the next two hours or so in that darkened room, uncomfortable, chuckling politely but awkwardly with the rest of the audience which thankfully were hard to make out in the darkness.

We left the theater, each reassuring the others with “that show was really not for us.” That was little comfort to my penis which was even more scared and confused than usual.

I jokingly remarked to my friend that movies like Twilight and Sex and the City were just different genres of pornography for girls. He sighed a sigh of resignation tinged with trepidation.

I spent that night sitting under a cold shower hoping the four of us didn’t look like the gay version of Carrie and her friends.


OMG I haven't had sex, bought shoes or made a remark in bad taste that would be confused for humour in 20 mins, it must be a record or something.