Idol Thoughts

So… I was flipping through the channels on cable trying to find a show I could watch while cutting my toenails today, I stumbled upon this little show called ‘Singapore Idol’. Against my better judgment, I decided to watch that whilst performing a purely heterosexual pedicure on myself.

It turned out pretty well for me because I was struggling for a topic for an update, oh the show? Well it’s still shite. It is like the one kid in school that tried too hard to be as cool and popular and hip as the resident hunk, that punctuates his sentences with “like” and “you know” as if he was some kind of indecisive dickhead that learnt to speak English by watching American sit-coms. (and I don’t mean the good ones like Arrested Development, God Arrested Development is awesome, if you think otherwise you are a fucktard, I’m sorry but that’s how it goes, it’s scientifically proven and everything)

The show is awful and it isn’t even the kind of awful like the scene of a car crash or videos of animals doing the nasty, no, this show is just annoyingly awful like getting a paper cut right between two fingers.

Which is a shame because this season has some of the better contestants in terms of ability in singing, if they were in the American version they might even go all the way to the second round of auditions.

The most off-putting thing about the show is the judges. I suppose with the overwhelming popularity of the American version of the show, and with the judges being a big part of the attraction of the series, comparisons are inevitable. But the Singaporean trio of judges, a euphemism for penis, the birthplace of the comedy’s pilgrim and a character from street fighter, as we might have gathered from my earlier allusions, give the impression that they are trying too hard to be like their counterparts.

They seem more preoccupied with coming up with snappy one-liners than actually judging the contestants based on their performance. You can see them trying to hide their smirks whenever one of them spouts another corny one liner. They can hardly refrain themselves from high-fiving each other.

Now for the sake of the readers I am going to delve deep into the psyches of each judge and turn the tables on them and judge them based on things that have nothing to do with their performances.

Dick
“Ok, firstly what is up with the name? Is this what the kids these days are into? I don’t know. Anyway I really think you should lose that cocky, I’m-really-a-nice-guy-but-you-suck-so-bad-I-can’t-help-but-criticize-everything-about-you attitude. It is so yesterday, you know? I mean I know you were once some big shot singer, but nobody should be matching those pink jeans with that top.”

Florence
“Hmmm, mmmm, ummm I dunno about you, I like you, but …. What do you think Ken?”

Ken
“You know what the problem with you is? [pause] If my mother was here she would tell you not to mumble and to speak up. I am being serious here [pause] you speak as though you are scared that you would break yourself because you were made of glass. [pause] But you know what the most important thing you are missing? [pause] It is that you have no soul.”

And that’s all folks.

I’m available for company functions and birthday parties. For more information lick your left pointer finger and slowly slide it in between your two butt cheeks then sniff it until the big men in white clothes come and take you to a nice, safe place.