Non Sausages

Over the last weekend I watched this movie called ‘Up’, I’m not going to do a review for this movie because that’s not really what this blog is about. But also because all Pixar movies are kinda the same. It is like a box of chocolates you Always know what you are going to get.

You get Chocolate in a chocolate box, Tom-constipated-Hanks.



Pixar are the masters of the “Awwww” heartstring, and they have been yanking at it so much over the years it now resembles a fat woman’s thong. And I mean having to buy two plane tickets kind of fat.

Try this next time you are dragged by your girlfriend to go watch a pixar movie, tell yourself you are not going to get that feeling as if your heart just fell off a 20 storey building or have to furtively touch the corners of your eyes just to make sure you’re not tearing up. I’ll be willing to wager a stiff ramming up my arse that you’ll fail (don’t hold me to that).

Pixar has made so many insecure, muscle-bound meat heads question their sexuality, because as we all know feelings are for girls and gay people.

But this update isn’t about the movie or the ridiculous 3D glasses that seem to be made for people with hooks for noses (goddamit I didn’t pay an extra $3 so I can push the freakin glasses up every 30 seconds instead of actually watching the movie) and are really only good for that One time in the movie when they make something fly into your fucking face at 90 km/h, just because they are jerks and like to think of the audience flinching in their seats then feeling embarrassed that some other person might have seen their act of cowardice even though it is pitch dark in the theater.

No, in this update I would like to address the subject of advertisements. More specifically how they don’t make any fucking sense.
These days you don’t even know what product the advertisement is promoting until right at the very end, sometimes that doesn’t even happen. What happened to those annoyingly catchy jingles that are clandestinely implanted into your brain like some kind of alien egg thing that suddenly pop up at intermittent times, without realizing it you are whistling the tune and have a inexplicable urge to get a popsicle.

Instead, we have weird, creepy looking kids that would typically be cast as the freaky child killer in a horror movie, contort their faces in ways that would make one squirm in disgust if it didn’t look so blatantly computer generated.

Christ, the scary thing about the whole affair is that these types of advertisements are becoming more common, so logically one must assume that people are actually responsive to them. I don’t know why people would feel compelled to eat a bar of chocolate after seeing images of children going through the full spectrum of expressions of pain, but I highly suspect these people belong in big, featureless, white, cushioned rooms. Wearing straitjackets. Because they are crazy. And possibly child rapists.

It seems like all the advertisers are doing to come up with new advertisements is to force feed bits of paper with random words written on them to a puppy and then sticking said puppy into the microwave, then its simply a case of turning it on and seeing what appears pasted against the door amid the blood and guts.

With that in mind I have written my own advertisements, see if you can guess what product its supposed to be for.

The scene opens with a peaceful city, the camera zooms in to focus on a couple of smiling pedestrians, one tips his hat in greeting. Before the person can remove his hand from his hat, an ominous shadow blankets the city and the pedestrian’s face metamorphasizes into mangled mess of fear and despair.
A scream is heard coming from a woman off camera. The camera pans slowly upwards through the city skyline, while creepy music plays.
It is revealed that the shadow belongs to a giant baby!
The giant baby is rampaging through the city covering the city in its spittle and milk vomit, and leaving behind a faint hint of the smell of poo (available in smellavision) that inexplicably makes everyone sniff the air like they are looking for their old, forgotten gym socks.
Suddenly, Godzilla remerges from the ocean! It approaches the giant baby.
The Giant baby and Godzilla stare at each other in a tense few seconds, then Godzilla gives the Giant baby a Giant hug! The people of the city are overwhelmed with emotion at what they had just witnessed and a collective “Awwwwww” is heard.
The people start to sing a cheery song, while the Giant baby and Godzilla team up to destroy the city.
End scene.

So do you know what product that advertisement was for?

It was for a coffee machine that can make 27 different kinds of coffee that is powered by garbage, it also has a handy umbrella attachment for when you want to bring your coffee maker for a picnic.