Oh God, please forgive me

I have to admit I have been rather slack lately, it’s the school holidays you see and have this peculiar way of making anybody become very unproductive. But boy do I have something to perk you up, titillate your senses, arouse your emotions and stimulate the dark forgotten recesses of you old decrepit hearts.

Never in all my years of trolling the highways, underways and sewerways of the World Wide Web have I encountered such a rare and amazing find. It makes me want to believe in a future, a wonderful future of wonderful things in all its wonderment.

It is pure bliss condensed into a 25 minute video. It exposes the full spectrum of human emotions, happiness, sadness, hornyness, confuseness and a whole lot of other nesss I’m sure could be read into this stunning work of cinema by people better qualified (more pretentious) than me. The plot complex but never esoteric, manages to combine a love story and the story of a girl blossoming into womanhood without feeling contrived, more amazingly it pulls it off with hardly a line of dialogue. Many social issues are explored but the video does not try to address them but rather dances flirtingly in the grey areas. It is quite simply brilliant, pure unadulterated brilliance.

As a human being you owe yourself to watch this video. An instant classic that would no doubt find itself within the same leagues as ‘Citizen Kane’ and ‘The Shawshank Redemption’. All the more amazing that this is a pornographic video which as a genre have earned a reputation for being derivative and shallow.

Because of the nature of the video, I will have to warn that readers should only click on the link that I am providing if you are of the legal age and are not wearing any socks as they will only get blown away. Also this blog and its owner/writer will not be held responsible for any negative effects the viewing of the video might have on your life. Especially if you do not take precautions like closing your door and not watching this at school or at work.

THIS VIDEO IS NSFW AND HAS BREASTS AND VA-JAY-JAYS AND DICKS IN IT AND SO WOULD BE CONSIDERED BY MANY TO BE PORNOGRAPHIC. DO NOT OPEN IF IN SITUATIONS THAT MIGHT LEAD TO EMBARRESSMENT OR ARREST OR OTHER SUCH BAD STUFF. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

So now that’s out of the way, here’s a short review of the video.

A brief aside.
This is the most hilariously funny porn video ever. And for anyone who has experience in this subject will know how terribly horrible any attempts at humour these videos usually are, that alone is worth the price of admission.

The video stars the lovechild of Emma Watson and Charlize Theron and she puts on the performance of her life in this video playing the naïve young lover. Other cast members do not feature prominently, leaving Emma Theron to carry the video and she nails it.





The story revolves around the naïve young lover trying hard to please her lover, however she is obviously very inexperienced and a few laughs arise from the various methods she tries to ‘pull’ this off. And try she does wholeheartedly, one can feel her passion and tenacity, few cockles of hearts would not be warmed at the sight of a green sweat wristband, revealing the protagonist’s naivety while showing off her sweet side.

The protagonist’s constant posing did not distract from the narrative. At the later part of the video we question the intelligence of the protagonist whose first words in the video is “ice cream”, without pausing to let the viewer ingest this plot twist, it changes gear and one cannot help but commiserate with the protagonist as she tries to reinvigorate the flaccid form of her lover in vain.

Her lover is forced to take control of the situation but in the process the protagonist is hurt both emotionally and in the eye, resulting in the most accurate imitation of a chameleon ever put on film. The video ends strongly with a lingering close up of the protagonist still with a forced smile but one that cannot disguise the bemusement, befuddlement and bewilderment she is experiencing. But right before the video ends another plot twist emerges when we suddenly realise that the protagonist might be drugged up, leaving the viewer just as bemused, befuddled and bewildered as it fades to black.

This video explores several themes such as sexuality, maturity, the dangers of drugs and the mentally handicapped. But most importantly it is funny as fuck.

10/10

Toys for Big Boys

Girls like to be courted.

They want to be the object of desire. They enjoy the warm touch of the undivided attention of healthy, fit, young men.
They like being showered with gifts for no reason.
They become moist at having the power to so completely entrap somebody with their charms that no amount of rejection could shake their prey’s obsequious fawning. They want to be wooed with ridiculous, expensive ‘designer’ chocolates and flowers that impress more with the price tag than with fragrance and beauty.
It makes their legs wobble, their knees tremble, lips pursed, quivering with the effort of forcing down a moan, toes curled in ecstasy, hands grasping tight to a satin bedsheet.

Too bad, I’m not a girl then.

You see, I am currently pursuing a diploma in an engineering field, and that apparently makes me completely, lip smackingly, finger lickingly, hands reaching into pants-ly IRRESISTABLE to the Singapore Armed Forces and its various divisions.

This casts me as the pretty, innocent girl that everyone wants to fuck and the army as the creepy stalker guy that sends letters inviting me to his house, ‘just for a talk’, written on paper that was once soaked in his urine, in this awkward and slightly uncomfortable rom-com play. Which is quite a change for me since it is usually the other way around.

Admittedly, it is a little underwhelming when you finally realise that the creepy stalker was also stalking other girls at the same time.
Even though you would never in a million years willingly engage in a conversation with the guy through a telephone even if it was to buy the latest overpriced slippers, you still find yourself feeling a little, just a little, cheated. Then you feel confused about your emotions, maybe, just maybe, hypothetically, you actually kinda, sometimes liked the attention. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad just to have a little chat.

And that’s how they get you. I, however do not fall for such emotional manipulation because I can see it a mile away, also because that’s how my first two relationships started.

I have to admit though they are getting pretty clever about what they send you in the mail now, besides the glossy pamphlets and promise of food of course.

But Business Cards? Hah! Who still uses those things, ever heard of a mobile phone? keep up with the times air force. Above all my arse.

Guess what I got from the navy? A little blue plastic submarine!



It actually sinks and surfaces just like a real submarine! You put a bit of baking power in a chamber accessible by removing the part on the top with the three pointy outy things and put it in a bit of water and it floats and sinks all by itself!
Baking Power not included.

The only way this could be more awesome was if the submarine was yellow.
And if I could have gotten it to work properly.

This almost makes me want to join the navy. Now if they send me some chocolate as well. Or better yet, put both the submarine and the chocolate in some amusing egg-shaped packaging, Man I would join the navy in a heartbeat.


Look how clean my floor is!

I cast 'Adulation3' on you

Following recent reports of two boys who jumped to their deaths in the hopes of being reincarnated as ‘Slayers’ to battle demons, more of such stories of people taking their games a little too seriously has emerged.

Police has announced that a flurry of reports of lost articles has been recently reported, the unusual thing about these reports is the stolen objects in question are not of any value at all. Most commonly reported stolen items include keys, scissors, tape, magnets and other paraphernalia.

Not only that reports of missing items have been reported around neighbourhoods, things like rocks, advertising cutouts, it seems anything that is left unattended is being taken away. Police are making some headway into the investigation of this phenomenon, several people have been taken in for questioning when caught taking these items. All the people gave similar responses with reasons such as “you never know when they will come in handy” and “If I just have a bit of string I can use it together with this magnet and stick I have in my inventory and retrieve the key in the drain”.

Police have also started randomly checking any person carrying bulky backpacks, as this seems to be the prevailing mode of carrying the stolen objects which is commonly referred to as their ‘inventory’. These evidence suggest that the people are somehow working together.

In other related news, stores selling swords and other decorative weaponry has seen a tremendous increase in sales. The storeowner of Diadara’s weapon shop, Diadara tells us about the customers he receives, “They all seem to be interested in the more expensive items and also of the weapon’s size, they keep mumbling something about if its expensive its got to be good and how they need to upgrade their equipment for a difficult boss. However the problem is they usually want to pay me in some weird currency, just today I turned down zenny, gil, gold, bottlecaps and coins”.

More alarmingly, some of the people who have bought weapons have even appeared in public welding their giant swords, they also seem to like to gel their hair into spikes and wear clothes that have a lot of buttons or zippers. A member of the public commented on their appearance saying that they look “gay”. No reports that these sword-welding spiky-haired people have caused any injury to anyone yet, although it is reported that they would approach random passerbys and talk incoherently about a man dressed in black, crystals and dungeons.”

The hotel business has also benefited from these curious people, they would pay to take a short nap before leaving after commenting on how refreshed they were.

Not all of these people are as innocuous, a worrying trend of driving recklessly on the streets is giving the traffic police quite a headache. The reckless drivers are unfazed about the consequences of dangerous driving, when one driver was pulled out of the wreckage of his car he merely stated that the car would be alright after a while.

It also appears that people are engaging in impromptu fighting tournaments on the streets, these fights draw huge crowds silently cheering on the combatants while they enter a sort of trance and jump around one another and occasionally put their hands together with their palms facing out and shouting something sounding vaguely Japanese. This continues until one of them collapses from exhaustion.

The children have not been saved from this wave of strange behaviour, many pre-teen boys have started developing a form of Tourette’s syndrome, spouting racist epithets at the slightest provocation. It is not uncommon now to find schoolboys saying things like “Go wipe your dick on Hitler’s moustache, you Nazi faggot” while performing jerky squatting motions over the defeated supine form of another boy.

Experts believe that all this strange behaviour are signs that the world is coming to an end.

How to win friends and be popular

Guess who's back, bitches!
I mean that of course in the most respectful way.
The way of a pimp to his hoes.
(Where Ma Money Bitch)

I'm just kidding, but seriously though if I could get some form of reparation, that would be nice. I mean it doesn't even have to be money. Expensive gifts would also be greatly appreciated, i really wouldn't even mind if it wasn't expensive you know?
Some home-baked cookies. A card? all it takes for that is some paper and a writing implement and something nice to say.

If you don't have paper you could write it in the sand then use a digital camera to take a picture of it and send it to me. Wait I guess that's not as easy as getting a card. Or just a simple "thanks" would do you know? I don't care if you shorten it to "thx" too, I promise.
Oh god, I have no friends all I have is this stupid blog nobody reads.

Arrrhhhhuhhuhuhuh (that's me crying by the way)

If this update has made you feel guilty, ashamed, remorseful and generally an all-round asshole, you can alleviate those feelings by referring people to this magnificent blog and raising its readership. Then when this blog becomes really popular you can boast to your friends that you were the first few readers of the blog, while the writer gets all the hot chicks and not give half a damn about you.

Gone Fishin'

The writer of this blog is currently away having a better time than you.
However that does not mean you should go read some other asinine, banal blog about how someone spent the entire day buying new bedsheets, instead the writer of this blog suggest reading the previous updates in the archives that can be accessed if you clickity- click on the dates at the right side of the page.

If you like what you see you could help me out by telling your friends about the blog, if you don't like it tell your friends anyway, then your friends would know what a shitty taste you have in blogs, you cockhead.

If you have already done all that and still have nothing to do, you can stare at this here picture of Dr House.

Ou es les toilettes?

Ahh… Dearest reader(s) it pains my heart to have to say this but there is just no way around this, so I’ll just have to say it.

I- I am leaving.

Oh god, stop crying it only makes it harder than it already is.
It has been a pretty good time living in the pimple-of-the-earth country of Singapore and I am really going to miss it.

Here I received an education that shaped me into who I am today. I’m not sure I like my shape though, it’s too lanky. People pay attention not to walk into me because they are afraid they would break me. My arms are of the size that I can intimidate an infant. Hmm I guess I got a bad deal out of the whole education thing. Oh well, my narrow frame meant that I had to compensate in other areas like having a better vocabulary than most. I know words like Septuagenarian.

Heh, bet you looked that up in the dictionary.

Pfftt.. I suppose that’s not very impressive. Christ I’m so pathetic, why doesn’t anyone like me? I am really starting to suspect the efficacy of slitting your wrists to get more attention. Haha, I’m kidding, I don’t slit my wrists, that’s just stupid. I just drown my sorrows in lemon tea until I pass out from water poisoning. Hey did you know you could get high if you smoke lemon zest? I didn’t think so too.

Huh, you know now that I think about it, I don’t really have anything to miss in Singapore, it is where my two friends are, and that’s about it really.

Bah, so it is with a not so heavy heart that I’m leaving this country.
So its au revoir from me. (that’s Spanish for good riddance)

Oh well, see you in two weeks.

[ergghh this isn't particularly funny or well written, hopefully I'll get my groove back after taking a vacation.]

Can't be arsed

You know, dear readers, there is something that has been bothering me for quite a while now.

You see, after I emerged from the tumultuous, hormonal, depressive awkwardness of puberty, I became something of a butterfly.

My sculpted figure seemingly chiseled from white marble by Michelangelo himself, a face that lends an air of nobility wearing a look of scorn of having to be around inferiors. Luxurious, flowing hair, iridescent in the sun.

That however is not my problem, my most certainly by now moist readers, my problem is this.
In light of my overwhelming good looks, people find it somehow appropriate to ask me questions like, “How did you get such wondrous looking bum?”

While it is easy to make the mistake that I was simply born with it that is not the case.

In fact I work hard for my arse, some might say I run my arse off, but I have to correct these people as my arse is still firmly attached to my delicious body, even though I do run a lot.

Yes, its true, the secret to my magnificent arse is running. Now many pompous smart-arses might point out that just running would not in fact yield such an arse that might be so beautiful as to be invited to be displayed at the national museum (mine was displayed july4 2006 – july15 2006), but that’s because they don’t clench.

Now many of you might be thinking that you would want to own an arse as delectable as mine, but before you do I would give you one tip on running.

It is extremely advantageous to run behind an attractive female, especially if she herself has a nice bum. In addition to motivating yourself to achieve a rump like her’s, the hypnotic, rhythmic swaying of her gorgeous trunk would help distract you from the exhaustion, it might also help to listen to “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot.