Since I don’t want to seem like a complete rip-off and I don’t really want to let an idea for a blog post go to waste, I present to you…
Get A Life: A Very Short Choose Your Own Adventure… thing. (Where You Only Really Get to Make One Choice And It’s Not Really An Adventure)
I had walked into this room for some reason not made clear to me, it felt more like I had been compelled into that room, and it was not until I closed the door when I actually began to take in the whole look of the room. It was a very plainly furnished room, a dusty old closet stood against the wall in the middle of the room, at the center of the room were two single seat sofas facing each other and a small table on which someone placed a vase of flowers, I suppose because it would look rather stupid standing on the floor.
“Ah, this is dream” I thought, as I sat down on one of the sofas, I wasn’t at all startled to find that the other sofa was now occupied by a very very sexy woman. By sexy I mean she had only done up half the buttons on her blouse and let’s just say her chest enjoyed the view that provided. “Been pretty chilly lately hasn’t it?” I said while sipping a martini that had materialized in my hand. “Yep, definitely a dream, I’m not having an embarrassing hard on and I used ‘hasn’t’ in conversation”.
When the sexy woman had not undressed after I finished my 5th sip of the martini, I knew that either I was having a nightmare or worse, she actually wanted to talk to me. “So then now that you have finally come to that realization, I will get on with business” the mouth attached to the boobs said. “Business? What sort of business?” I replied to the entrancing cleavage.
“Well, let’s face it, Dick, you lead a miserable existence, I’m talking about getting a life.”
“I know, I know, my facebook wall is covered with requests to ‘get a life’ and to ‘go suck dick’. Thing is they don’t tell you how to go about doing it and I’m quite sure the latter is impossible.”
“That’s where I come in”
“That’s good to know but it doesn’t help me much”
“I mean this you dirty minded creep” she said as she produced two pills from within the cavernous valley of her marshmallow bosoms, one red and one blue.
“This isn’t very original, you know” I said smugly while debating whether to spill what’s left of my martini on her blouse.
“This is your dream you dimwitted git, and its good enough for an amateur blog post, thankyouverymuch.”
Perhaps the weight of her smoking rack was getting uncomfortable or because I like the look of two peaches pressed lightly against each other, the woman leaned forward distracting me when she said the following, “The blue pill represents a sedentary lifestyle while the red one represents a more active lifestyle”.
If you pick the Blue Pill go to [1]
If you pick the Red Pill go to [2]
[1]
After I woke up from that dream I went back to sleep again. When I woke up the second time I looked to the clock and it read 3:12pm, I was up early. Deciding against brushing my teeth, I powered up my two desktops, my laptop and my iphone in case there was a new time sucking application to download, nobody really calls me.
My first desktop I used to run Second Life, my avatar was an animal hybrid so I naturally got a job prostituting my wolf arse to furry fetishists. My second desktop is used to monitor my World of Warcraft accounts, overseeing the program I wrote to automatically farm gold. My laptop is used to post on internet forums, which usually involves calling anyone who does not agree with me a nazi and threatening to cut their balls off, sticking them into a blender then force feeding them their liquidated manhoods. This is also the platform I use to search for the latest hentai tentacle porn.
Suddenly I realised that my supplies of mountain dew and salted crisps have been exhausted. Steeling myself I gathered all the money I could find on my laundry covered floor and prepared to leave the safety of my parent’s basement. I did not take three steps outside before the hot fury of the fiery sun caused my skin to boil and my hair to melt. It was only a matter of seconds before I became a suppurating puddle being soaked up by clothes that smelled vaguely like chlorine.
Continue to [3]
[2]
As soon as I regained consciousness I jumped out of bed and hopped over to the bathroom to start my morning beauty routine, brushing, cleansing, vomiting, plucking, combing. After I am absolutely sure I’m gorgeous, I stare at myself in the mirror for 10 minutes.
Already I was late for the oyster buffet breakfast and I had to be at the mall for the big sale they were having for overly expensive sports cars, my collection was looking pretty meager compared to Devonson’s and I had only bought 6 new cars this year.
The test driving proved to be a bit of a workout what with all the smug faces I had to pull at the drivers beside me at every traffic stop and also having to smack some sense into my butler, I mean imagine having to actually wait two whole minutes before he arrived with my imported mineral water.
At least I could get some rest at my private booth at the most exclusive gentlemen’s club. It has the best peep shows, I’d pity the poor souls that are not privileged to have seen them, if only I wasn’t so lazy to.
Overall not a bad day, well except the whole being allergic to the leather the lapdancers were wearing and dying of a heart attack.
Continue to [3]
[3]
That was one weird ass party
As I wait in line to be judged by Minos, a familiar voice asked “So, how did you enjoy your life then? Must be pretty interesting, you even managed to check off on all the Seven.” I turned and found the voice belonged to the same well endowed woman that appeared to me in my dream, strange I never noticed that she had horns and a tail until now. Still really hot though.
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