Teacher Feature

Having had my brain deliquesced and the neural juiced drained for the last 11 years or so in the power juicer that is the Singapore Education System, I feel that I can speak of the teachers under its employ with some authority. The conclusion that I have come to after being subjected (geddit) to their teachings for so long is that the happiness and overall satisfaction teachers get from teaching is inversely proportional to how much they give a fuck.


It even removes the bits of broken skull. Convenient!

Another observation that I made was that teachers have a certain way of controlling the class and that these can be broadly distilled down to the following categories.


The Guilt-monger

The guilt-monger as the name suggests deals out guilt in an attempt to get the class to behave, as such a physical deformity or a weepy story about their childhood are the usual tools of the trade.
Class not listening to your lessons? Start walking around the classroom with your pronounced limp while making grimaces of pain then sigh heavily and tell them about how if only a class would listen, it would make the job so much easier and maybe your leg would hurt less.
Timmy not handing up homework? Make him stay after class, then when you are alone tell him about how you regret not doing your homework back when you were a student, then you wouldn’t be teaching noisy little fucks that don’t do their homework like you are now. That’ll scare him straight in no time!

The only problem to this approach is that it is based on the false assumption that people are naturally good-natured and would act with decency if they knew that their actions are causing a great inconvenience to others. This might be true for the population at large, but at the age when one is schooling the compassion and empathy parts of the brain are largely undeveloped, this means that students are about as good-natured and decent as an Atlantic Salmon.


Not very.


Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

One can readily identify this type of teacher, at some point during the first lesson the teacher will say something along the lines of, “I can be very good to you, but if you push me, my chainsaw will be the plunger and your arsehole will be the blocked toilet, am I making myself clear?” Well, something resembling that.

This generally works for about one hour after which the students will, as students are wont to, try to test the teacher’s limits. This will end up in one of two ways, either the teacher is in the position to carry out his or her threats after which the class will hate them and would be annoying out of spite or they find out the teacher poses as much of a threat as a toothless poodle and would incite their anger just because an angry toothless poodle is a lot of fun to watch.

Did you know if a poodle gets really angry, it pees itself? Me neither. That is until yesterday.




Ms. Robinson

Have you ever thought, ‘Gee I sure love going to school!’?
Did you ever complete your homework on time because it is the right thing to do?
Have you ever stayed back for optional remedial classes?
If you have answered ‘Yes’ to all of the above, you have had a hot teacher at some point. Or you are a huge nerd, in which case, Fuck Off, Poindexter!

For this method to work, the teacher must be sexually attractive to his or her students, for female students try looking as much as Robert Pattinson as possible, this might prove to be a difficult task unless you are a vampire or have the disease Michael Jackson had that made him white. It is much less complicated when dealing with male students, for this all one would need is a sizeable rack.

Once the teacher has fulfilled the conditions controlling the class would be a simple matter of showing up. Male students would stare in rapt attention at your chest valley and female students will… will.
I dunno, they will do girl stuff, I’m not a girl.

An important thing to note before making that appointment with the cosmetic surgeon is that most students have the attention span of a dead gold fish and fall in and out of love as often as they change their ringtones, so the length of time that this method might work is uncertain. Breasts have a very long shelf life though.




The Saint

A variation of the guilt-monger with one important difference The Saint has the power of GOD behind him. So like a guilt-monger lvl.2 then.
The power of The Saint mainly comes from the spells it can cast, namely Homily and Prayer.
Homily has a wide Area Of Effect (AOE) and is efficient against large hordes, it delivers a moralizing lecture which stuns enemies into guilt and shame.
Prayer is most effective in PvP situations, once the enemy starts attacking quickly counter with prayer, it deals massive damage and has a chance of inflicting the status aliment crying.

However it should be noted that The Saint should not be used on the map, SecondarySchool, the enemies on this map first gain the skill pseudo-intellectualism and there is nothing that pseudo-intellectuals love more than denouncing religion, this creates a barrier that negates the effects of Homily and Prayer.


Learning!


The Eccentric

The eccentric works on the principle that human beings cannot focus on two things at once and so the goal of the eccentric is to act in such a way that the students cannot focus on talking about the previous night’s soccer game and are instead are completely involved with coming up with ways to describe how weird their teacher is on twitter.

To master the eccentric style, one must first abandon all self-worth and any sense of dignity. After all who needs dignity when you can have your sanity?

The main disadvantage to this is that at the end of the class the students would likely remember the teacher’s lengthy exposition about the various different sexual positions animals use in the wild and not so much the method of using simultaneous equations to solve quadratic expressions.


The Shouter



It is the basic rule of thumb in the wild where anything that can make a louder sound than you can is probably bigger than you and therefore could possibly have you for supper. It seems that humans still retain some of that hereditary instinct.

The shouter makes use of this, as it is a natural response to be alert to your surroundings when there is a perceived threat, any learning is an incidental bonus. It is also common knowledge that it is hard to conduct a meaningful conversation when you cannot hear the person you are talking to. This is why cafes do not pipe Metallica in their stores.

This is actually the best method so far in controlling the class, just don’t expect any more learning to be done, students still have those really short attention spans of theirs and in addition they have a remarkable tolerance for noise, this is evident from them being able to listen to Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers without soon being reduced to a twitching mass in a puddle of their own piss.


Do-I-look-like-I-care

The ultimate level of evolution of a teacher in the Singapore Education System, the inevitable outcome of working in this industry. This teacher has lost all enthusiasm in teaching, any sense of satisfaction in contributing towards creating a better society for the future was effaced with the realization that year after year it is the same set of bratty, vociferous twatheads with their malleable, spoon-fed opinions derived from reading the new paper. The teacher has come to these realizations and most importantly has made peace with them. They have reached Teaching Nirvana.

Their name comes from the automated response to any question that cannot be answered with ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘it’s in your notes’, this comes from the belief that students are not worth the effort of stretching those brain cells. A videotape could take their place in lessons without any appreciable difference, therefore it is the goal of these teachers to do ever so slightly more than a videotape can.

By proceeding at a calculated pace which is just a little faster than students can write, they force the student to make a choice between failing and being a nuisance in class.




Do you have a new found respect for teachers after reading this article?
If not, you just might be a student.

A New Low

Today I woke up at 10.30am, then sat on the edge of my bed staring in blank space not thinking about anything in particular. I brushed my teeth, then I drank coffee milk. I spent the next 30 minutes involved in a heated debate with myself about whether I should switch the order of teeth brushing and milk drinking, the debate ended with no clear winner.

I … OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME?

Man, was I wrong when said that the holidays had a way of wearing down one’s mind, I hadn’t been in school proper for 8 months when I said that. Now I take it back, nothing could be as stultifying as school.

Education is important to the healthy development of any person, of that there can be no argument, but after a certain point, education (especially in Singapore) becomes less involved in learning than the programming of students to perform a specific function.

And it is debilitating to the other functions of the mind like writing interesting blog posts and imagining convoluted and improbable situations in which a really sexy women would want to have sex with me.

In any case here is an update to test the boundaries of tastefulness.

“Houston, this is Challenger we are strapped in and ready for lift off, over.”

“Very good, we should be commencing lift off in T-minus 5 minutes, it is a beautiful day for a launch, we wish you all the best in the mission ahead.”

“Yes, it is really nice weather for lunch isn’t it?”

“Yes I suppose so Bob, but I don’t think that is what he was referr…”

“Yep, really nice weather and I’m getting kinda hungry too, I didn’t really get breakfast, you know what with getting into this suit taking me all morning.”

“What are you talking about you had the most to eat out of all of us.”

“I don’t like that tone, mister, nosiree, you know we had this thing called respect for your elders back home. I think it would do you wonders to get acquainted with that concept, Jim.”

“Look I’m sorry, it’s just we really have to focus on the launch and …”

“Oh lunch! Did I tell you that I’m starving, I’m pretty sure there is some packets of onion rings left.”

“This is mission control is there a problem? We are picking up a lot of chatter.”

“Nope we are all set, it’s just Bob would like to check up on the O-rings.”

“The O-rings shouldn’t be an issue we’ve had many successful launches without any complications.”

“No, you misunderstand, that was just a joke, Bob says he is hungry, look can we just get on with the laun…”

“What’s that Jim? You talking to mission control, oh did you tell them about lunch, man my stomach is really going now, you know I remember we packed some O-rings.”

“The O-rings are fine Bob, no need to worry.”

“Christ, I’m starting the launch, do we have an all clear?”

“Lunch? I…”

“ARRrrrhhhh… 321 go!”




“Soooo… when’s the food gonna be served on the flight?”

“Bob, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way but if you are going to continue like this I’m going to have to stab you in the face with this pencil.”

“Ok ok, sheesh.”



“I could really go for some Onion rings now, man crispy, golden fried batter and the warm moist center. Hey have you ever wondered why so many Onion rings don’t seem to have any onion in them?”


“GODDAMNIT if you want the onion ring so much go freaking get it!”


“Alright no need to shout dude. You know what you need? Some onion rings. I’ll just put some more in for you.”

“Wait what are you doing the microwave can take so ma…”



“Oh my god, Challenger do you read me?”

“It’s no good, Mike, they’re gone.”


“But what could have caused this? What am I going to say when their Wives and Children ask me what happened?”


“Well, it sounded like they had some trouble with O-rings.”

Ba Dum Tish

Video Game Review: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

There is an under reported but no less prevalent younger sibling to a phase of life commonly known as the mid-life crisis, this quarter-life crisis, as I have taken to calling it, afflicts countless youth in the golden years of their teenhood. This psychological problem usually takes root from a sudden realization that one is growing older and that it is only proper to align their behaviour accordingly. In a majority of cases this presents itself as a compulsive urge to acquire the accessories and tokens of adulthood.

Boys may feel the need to be in possession of a motorised vechicular transport and to dress more like their fathers, this ostensibly shows one to be a responsible and capable source of genetic material.
Girls feel the need to speak as if in the company of royalty, as it shows you can take things ‘seriously’ whatever that means, and also to look as different from their mothers as possible.

But not all people afflicted with quarter-life crisis display similar symptoms, just recently I bought a PS3 slim. My doctor tells me my condition has improved immensely since.

Depending on who you talk to my purchase of a gaming console may indicate a reluctance to grow up, even going so far as to suggest a desire to revert to a state of childish play, upon hearing this you can safely assume that the person you are speaking to does not play games. A gamer would see this as a step towards maturity into the realms of a more ‘adult’ oriented gaming experience, especially when considering my only current-generation console up to that point was a ‘kiddy’ Nintendo Wii.

As a justification of my prodigality, I have decided to post reviews of some of the games I play, with an eye to a career in writing about games.

As a start we have ‘Uncharted 2: Among Thieves’, the instrument of my ‘next-gen’ gaming deflowering. As with all first impressions, we look to appearances and Uncharted 2 is undeniably attractive. Uncharted 2 is so attractive if I saw her I would stare blankly at her until she notices me at which point I will look away in reddening embarrassment, hopefully after a couple of such encounters she would approach me and I would not be too distracted by the growing stain in my pants to give a coherent reply and then … I don’t know what happens next I’ve never gotten that far.

The game take place across several different locales including a lush island forest, an urban Tibetan city and the snowy Himalayan mountains, all of which look like they were taken right out of a Discovery Travel and Living program. However the most spectacular views are always relegated to the background, meaning you will only get to enjoy them during the quieter portions of the game.



And there are not too many of those. Continuing with the sexual theme, now that the very attractive Uncharted 2 has you tied down to the bed, you notice too late that her wardrobe has a disproportionate amount of leather clothing, before you know it Uncharted 2 has her hands around your neck.

Uncharted 2 doesn’t give you time to breathe, it starts off with a dramatic escape from a precariously placed train over a precipice in which lies your certain doom and keeps up with more of these situations where not dying is the motivator for advancing in the game and that is a very compelling motivation.

Uncharted 2, though is not the most elegant of story tellers, although that is mostly an afterthought because most of the time you are too busy asphyxiating.

The flimsy plot involves a garrulous, likeable(attractive) protagonist that spouts one-liners that pass off as sarcasm these days fighting his way through impossible odds in the shape of innumerable henchmen and cumbersome ancient puzzles that serve the same functions as a padlock and key, and in the process save the world by stopping the evil and very possible nutcase antagonist. Along the way, the protagonist would also encounter a love interest (in this case a love triangle because it’s a sequel), betrayal of a close associate, plenty of deus ex machinas, not being killed by the villains even though there was no real reason not to and some kind of mystical Macguffin to provide a tenuous air of complexity.
Hey this sounds a lot like Generic Blockbuster Movie Plot #4.

The gameplay does not do much better, the controls are tight and Nathan Drake moves with a realistic weight, players will quickly become puppet-masters pulling on the strings of their Nathan ragdoll. Aiming is also easy to pick up even for a person who is more used to aiming with the Wiimote or mouse. With the controls so well implemented it is a little disappointing you don’t get to do more with the character, there are basically two different types of puzzles in the game, one involves searching the environment for places for Nathan to jump to and the other deals with shape recognition.

The game also sometimes fails to communicate clearly what you are supposed to be doing at certain points, it does provide hints which can be activated by pressing up on the d-pad after the game realises you have been running around in circles for 5 minutes without making any progress, this will point the camera to where you are supposed to go and materialise an accompanying helpful caption. It does have the downside of making the player feel like a complete arse though.

Where the game really shines is in the set piece scenarios that all the jumping and dealing with runic symbols, build up to, these would be the equivalent of the showcase battle sequences with words like ‘climactic’ usually ascribed to them. This is the closest you can probably get to being a hero in an action movie, that is until they work out the kinks in that virtual reality whatsit.
Pity most of the boss encounters are really dull especially the last boss, shooting a exploding things to damage a nearby and otherwise unbeatable enemy, that only appears in … ohhh I don’t know every other game ever made?



Still I had a lot of fun playing Uncharted 2.
But just like having sex with an S&M fetishist, pleasurable though it may be, I do not wish to live through that experience anytime soon.

*Spoilers*

I found it weird that Nathan acted so differently on the later chapter of the falling train sequence. It made me suspect that for the most part of the game we are seeing it through Nathan’s interpretation of how things went down. That would certainly explain how he was able to almost single-handedly defeat Lazarević’s impossibly large army while finding time to flirt with two very attractive women in impossibly tight pants that also happens to be experts in firearms and come up with snappy one-liners. It was all greatly exaggerated.




Yep, deliciously exaggerated

Once we consider this possibility, a lot can be read into the actual nature of Nathan Drake. From the events towards the end of the game, I’d wager that he had been recently watching Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and probably has played World of Warcraft.