It even removes the bits of broken skull. Convenient!
Another observation that I made was that teachers have a certain way of controlling the class and that these can be broadly distilled down to the following categories.
The Guilt-monger
The guilt-monger as the name suggests deals out guilt in an attempt to get the class to behave, as such a physical deformity or a weepy story about their childhood are the usual tools of the trade.
Class not listening to your lessons? Start walking around the classroom with your pronounced limp while making grimaces of pain then sigh heavily and tell them about how if only a class would listen, it would make the job so much easier and maybe your leg would hurt less.
Timmy not handing up homework? Make him stay after class, then when you are alone tell him about how you regret not doing your homework back when you were a student, then you wouldn’t be teaching noisy little fucks that don’t do their homework like you are now. That’ll scare him straight in no time!
The only problem to this approach is that it is based on the false assumption that people are naturally good-natured and would act with decency if they knew that their actions are causing a great inconvenience to others. This might be true for the population at large, but at the age when one is schooling the compassion and empathy parts of the brain are largely undeveloped, this means that students are about as good-natured and decent as an Atlantic Salmon.
Not very.
Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
One can readily identify this type of teacher, at some point during the first lesson the teacher will say something along the lines of, “I can be very good to you, but if you push me, my chainsaw will be the plunger and your arsehole will be the blocked toilet, am I making myself clear?” Well, something resembling that.
This generally works for about one hour after which the students will, as students are wont to, try to test the teacher’s limits. This will end up in one of two ways, either the teacher is in the position to carry out his or her threats after which the class will hate them and would be annoying out of spite or they find out the teacher poses as much of a threat as a toothless poodle and would incite their anger just because an angry toothless poodle is a lot of fun to watch.
Did you know if a poodle gets really angry, it pees itself? Me neither. That is until yesterday.
Ms. Robinson
Have you ever thought, ‘Gee I sure love going to school!’?
Did you ever complete your homework on time because it is the right thing to do?
Have you ever stayed back for optional remedial classes?
If you have answered ‘Yes’ to all of the above, you have had a hot teacher at some point. Or you are a huge nerd, in which case, Fuck Off, Poindexter!
For this method to work, the teacher must be sexually attractive to his or her students, for female students try looking as much as Robert Pattinson as possible, this might prove to be a difficult task unless you are a vampire or have the disease Michael Jackson had that made him white. It is much less complicated when dealing with male students, for this all one would need is a sizeable rack.
Once the teacher has fulfilled the conditions controlling the class would be a simple matter of showing up. Male students would stare in rapt attention at your chest valley and female students will… will.
I dunno, they will do girl stuff, I’m not a girl.
An important thing to note before making that appointment with the cosmetic surgeon is that most students have the attention span of a dead gold fish and fall in and out of love as often as they change their ringtones, so the length of time that this method might work is uncertain. Breasts have a very long shelf life though.
The Saint
A variation of the guilt-monger with one important difference The Saint has the power of GOD behind him. So like a guilt-monger lvl.2 then.
The power of The Saint mainly comes from the spells it can cast, namely Homily and Prayer.
Homily has a wide Area Of Effect (AOE) and is efficient against large hordes, it delivers a moralizing lecture which stuns enemies into guilt and shame.
Prayer is most effective in PvP situations, once the enemy starts attacking quickly counter with prayer, it deals massive damage and has a chance of inflicting the status aliment crying.
However it should be noted that The Saint should not be used on the map, SecondarySchool, the enemies on this map first gain the skill pseudo-intellectualism and there is nothing that pseudo-intellectuals love more than denouncing religion, this creates a barrier that negates the effects of Homily and Prayer.
Learning!
The Eccentric
The eccentric works on the principle that human beings cannot focus on two things at once and so the goal of the eccentric is to act in such a way that the students cannot focus on talking about the previous night’s soccer game and are instead are completely involved with coming up with ways to describe how weird their teacher is on twitter.
To master the eccentric style, one must first abandon all self-worth and any sense of dignity. After all who needs dignity when you can have your sanity?
The main disadvantage to this is that at the end of the class the students would likely remember the teacher’s lengthy exposition about the various different sexual positions animals use in the wild and not so much the method of using simultaneous equations to solve quadratic expressions.
The Shouter
It is the basic rule of thumb in the wild where anything that can make a louder sound than you can is probably bigger than you and therefore could possibly have you for supper. It seems that humans still retain some of that hereditary instinct.
The shouter makes use of this, as it is a natural response to be alert to your surroundings when there is a perceived threat, any learning is an incidental bonus. It is also common knowledge that it is hard to conduct a meaningful conversation when you cannot hear the person you are talking to. This is why cafes do not pipe Metallica in their stores.
This is actually the best method so far in controlling the class, just don’t expect any more learning to be done, students still have those really short attention spans of theirs and in addition they have a remarkable tolerance for noise, this is evident from them being able to listen to Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers without soon being reduced to a twitching mass in a puddle of their own piss.
Do-I-look-like-I-care
The ultimate level of evolution of a teacher in the Singapore Education System, the inevitable outcome of working in this industry. This teacher has lost all enthusiasm in teaching, any sense of satisfaction in contributing towards creating a better society for the future was effaced with the realization that year after year it is the same set of bratty, vociferous twatheads with their malleable, spoon-fed opinions derived from reading the new paper. The teacher has come to these realizations and most importantly has made peace with them. They have reached Teaching Nirvana.
Their name comes from the automated response to any question that cannot be answered with ‘yes’, ‘no’ or ‘it’s in your notes’, this comes from the belief that students are not worth the effort of stretching those brain cells. A videotape could take their place in lessons without any appreciable difference, therefore it is the goal of these teachers to do ever so slightly more than a videotape can.
By proceeding at a calculated pace which is just a little faster than students can write, they force the student to make a choice between failing and being a nuisance in class.
Do you have a new found respect for teachers after reading this article?
If not, you just might be a student.
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