'allo, wot's all t'is then?

Heh. What do you know, turns out huffing paint thinner is actually bad for the brain… or something. I can’t remember. I seem to be forgetting a lot of stuff these days.

Anyways since getting high off industrial chemicals is bad for the old noodle, and that’s all I have really, I’m not female (in case anyone was wondering) so I can’t just take pictures of myself (they don’t even have to be salacious in nature, thems are suckers, those boys) and expect to see the hits come pouring in.

So then.

Readers of newspapers would no doubt have seen letters from the general public being published in a dedicated section usually called a forum, you know they are not written by actual journalists because they are usually frivolous in nature and have the quality of a secondary school homework assignment run through a word processor and with some big words thrown in just to make absolutely sure to readers that the writer has a better vocabulary than someone who does not know how to use a dictionary.

Well, I have taken it upon myself to reply to some of these senders of letters. Mostly because I haven’t thought of anything else to write an update about, and my blog seems to give off this weird fishy smell when I leave it alone for too long.

Today’s punching bag comes courtesy of one Arlene Mandia. Why, Hello Arlene, it is nice of you to have written your letter which I would in the ensuing few paragraphs make a few cutting remarks about and dismissively declare to be asinine spittle wiped off from the frothing mouth of a woman infected by rabies by one of the thirteen cats she lives with, on a used tissue and sent to the newspaper, which in turn published it because nothing else fitted in that small space between the advertisements.

Oh dear, In the expulsion of all that pent up bile, I seem to have forgotten that the purpose of the letter that Arlene sent was to decry the use of the word ‘hello’ in a sarcastic manner.

I am SO sorry then, Arlene. So so so SO sorry. So sorry indeed that right now as I am typing, hot, wet streams of tears have spouted from my tear ducts and makes a pool of condensed regret on my keyboard.



Couldn’t help myself.

My my, Arlene, either you live in a world of politeness and graciousness, where people always engage in pleasantries and speak with candor. That, or perhaps where you come from the people there are such masters of subtle sarcasm that any hint of which would escape your feeble mind and so be misinterpreted as geniality. Or a third and the most likely possibility is that you’re a fucking idealistic tard.

While living in a utopia, of rainbows and unicorns, of adventure and wonder, where people talk like characters in the Lord of the Rings, where people of nobility and rectitude dwell in quaint houses where dinner parties are often held and everyone has opinions about wine and its accompaniment of food, which they drink with their pinkies stuck out as a sign of sophistication. All this sounds very attractive and if I could I would rather live in that fantasy world than this decaying shit-hole of a world we humans fucked up and are now trying to put it back together as best we can with scotch tape and chewed up gum.

And who wouldn’t want to?

It seems so easy when you put it on paper. The only thing that needs to be done is to make everyone realise that a peaceful, civil world can be achieved by wanting it and to start acting like we live in that fantasy land.

After all, who doesn’t want world peace, amiright?

Well, the problem really is that no one is ever one thing. It is inevitable to categorise people and form stereotypes because that is how we evolved, by assigning everything we see into broad categories we were able to learn and pass information amongst ourselves quickly and efficiently, this was useful when we had to decide whether a saber-toothed cat was something to cuddle up to or to avoid as death. This, however, has an undesirable effect when it comes to describing more nuanced ideas such as an ideal or a personality. What we end up with is flash cards like the guy in the movie memento, only taking snapshots of a particular person at a particular time and remembering only the most important things about them that is most relevant to oneself.

But I am starting to digress.

What I mean is no one person can dictate how a culture shapes itself, however much it may irk us. You don’t like the way people use the word ‘hello’, well tough titty, the people who are forced to serve you because it is their job to, probably find you to be a sanctimonious wanker, and they can’t even take the moral high ground and write to a newspaper to complain about the way people expect them to have no other emotion except the most noblest of joys that they get from satisfying your every need and fancy.

One last thing, the feeling of goodness is not intrinsic to the word itself. But more to the person hearing it and whatever one might interpret it to mean. Maybe if people behaved in a way that does not warrant the sarcastic use of the word ‘hello’ then such a practice would cease.

But such are the days we live in that we cannot or would not afford the time and courtesy to step into someone elses’ shoes and take on anothers’ perspective so that some sort of tacit understanding could be reached and act like the civilized people we like to think we are.

The Divine Stupidity

[I'm reading The Divine Comedy right now, a classic epic poem written my some long dead person called Dante Alighieri. I am of course not as egotistical to think that my inane post can compare to his work. However I can't think of anything else to write about right now.]


Now as we reached the edge of the chasm,
A foul stench filtered up our nostrils,
So we would be forgiven even by the punctilious,

For our language which matched the stench’s foulness.
Let not the amorphous glob that seems to take delight,
At sitting next to me on long bus rides on humid days,

Boast any longer that he may curl back anyone’s eyelashes,
Through the power of his repulsive body odour alone.
The source of the foul stench was revealed to us,

When after we had gotten used to it,
(as much as one can get used to having sweaty
Gym socks filled with rotten eggs shoved into where

One would normally bring to summer flowers)
As we ventured to peer over the ledge.
There, at the bottom were multitudes of shades,

Bloated to a point where it seemed,
A slight prick would force them to yield
Their innards in an explosive fashion.

Sensing my disgusted confusion,
My knowing guide spoke, “these shades
Are punished for the sin of gourmet dining,

Where in life, they have forced a goose,
To eat more than it would ever need.
So too are these shade forced into their bloated forms.

Behold! how the great wisdom has meted his righteous justice,
These shades cannot stop feasting on each other’s livers,
Even as their own is being consumed.”

And I intrigued, entreated my guide to converse with the sinners.
We climbed down the craggy precipice where it sloped.
And at once, a shade in between stuffing his face spoke,

“who is this that roam this hopeless realm unmolested?
Are you a servant of the fell one?”
And I, “Nay, I am but a writer of a blog,
I am on a journey to reach the heights,

Where one can attain the most glorious
Of all prizes, the prize of internet fame.
Tell me, disgusting blob, have you a name?”

“I take umbrage at thy insulting remark,
If my legs have not been crushed under my enormous frame,
And I could control my irresistible urge to eat this man’s liver,

I would do more than this, but alas!
That isn’t so, therefore a Fuck You would have to suffice.”
“I apologise I am merely in shock at your

Gelatinous form. Pray tell me your name.”
And the sinner replied, “When my body still drew breath,
I was known throughout the land as Anthony Bourdain.

I earned fame as a host of a travel show
Where I roamed the world in search of food
To stuff my face in, as my show grew in popularity,

So did my feasting, as I was trapped,
In a vicious cycle, trying to one-up myself.
Now in death I am forced with my fellow sinners

To gorge ourselves on each other’s livers,
As we have gorged ourselves on the livers
Of the divine will’s flightful creations.

The taste of our rotting carcasses bring not pleasure
But nausea and so we expel what we cannot keep down.
And yet our mouths cannot stop their invidious endeavour.”

And I having heard what that odious shade had to say,
Spake these words, “My, this would make a good update for my blog.”

shaking hands with mr.tomkinson

Unless you are agoraphobic or blind (how the hell are you reading this blog?) then you would have probably seen this rather contentious advertisement of a new Burger King sandwich.

Here is the ad of questionable taste (I don’t eat posters so i wouldn't know)




Pffffttt…. I’ve seen way worse, but then again those weren't ads.

Also its obvious Burger King didn’t do their market research, 7-inches? We are Asians man, that’s too big. (I meant the sandwich, you sick fucks)

The reason there has been such a commotion about it, is because it apparently references the act of fellatio. Or a blow-job for those not familiar with porno lexicon. An article in Life section of the Straits Times also said that the woman was made to look like a blow up doll, am I lagging behind my “blow up dolls monthly” magazine delivery? Because I’ve never seen such a realistic blow up doll before, Britney looks really plasticky and her boobs look like pyramid shaped balloons stapled to her chest, maybe its time I upgraded.

When I saw the ad before this whole thing blew up, I got the innuendo right away but then I just chalked that up to me being a dirty minded, emotionally immature teenager, turns out there’s a lot of us.

In the article a father of a 19 year old son said he found the ad to be vulgar and is surprised to find it at a place where teenagers hang out.
HAHA.
Dude, your son has seen stuff 10 times more vulgar than this ad, and he saw those things on something called the Internet, lots of teenagers hang out there, you might want to check it out. Just stay away from the furries.

I think it’s stupid for parents to think that this ad would pervert the minds of their precious, innocent little children. If your child is really pure of thought, he/she would never not make the connection of eating a sandwich with a sex act. (unless he/she is seriously fucked up then they should be kept in a mental facility)
And if he/she thought “Hurhur blowjob” when they saw the ad, then chances are they have seen worse, and the ad would not do anything to further your child’s perversion.

This calling for the ad to be banned from parents is nothing but to save them from embarrassment and from the realization that their child has become sexually aware. There seems to be a sort of stigma when it comes to children and sex, which is ironic since one is the product of the other. And in a relatively conservative country like Singapore, the way people deal with it is to shut it out. The thing is you cannot protect your children forever, eventually some jerk diver is going to capture your offspring to be a gift for his niece and both of you would have to go through many adventures before realizing that it is all a part of growing up. Wait I’m thinking of something else.

Besides there are way more suggestive ads than this, take for instance shampoo ads and that detergent ad with all the chicks participating in a wet t-shirt contest in a washing machine.

Take these for example.



That’s quite a handful, you must have really long hair or something.




And the ever popular shower scene, what a tease.

This might be the worst of the worst. Starts out innocently enough, then the girl starts making orgasm faces and bouncing up and down around 40 seconds deep(into the video).



Have fun jerkin' off, freaks.

I'm so happy, I'm almost........

I refer to an article (am I being professional yet?) published in the new paper on Sunday 19 July 20, 2009, regarding Dr Thio Li-ann’s defence of her stand on same sex marriage in Singapore.

[I can’t find the article online so I will just type out excerpts of the article in question, also i assume you are familiar with the topic]

In the article she says “My objection is not to gay people, it is towards the nature of the homosexual political agenda and the vicious and degrading tactics of some activists (like insults and death threats)”.

Firstly, what exactly is the homosexual political agenda? Are there any gay political parties that have just come out (haha, pun) that I did know of?
If she is referring to the abolishment of the law prohibiting gay sex, as I have said before this is obviously a case of the ignorant wanting to remain ignorant, the abolishment of the law would not cause any sort of moral degradation or sudden proliferation of homosexuals.

Secondly, if you can read past the rhetoric, you see that there is no credence to her argument. All Dr Thio is saying is, I don’t want the law criminalizing gay sex to be removed, it’s not that I have something against gay people, it’s just that I don’t like the way some of them talk to me.

This is equivalent to saying that all women are bitches because this one lady told me off just because I wanted more syrup in my soybean milk. And because my experience with one person is indicative of the entire female population, I deem they should all wear muzzles to stop them from spewing their vitriolic venom.

Perhaps more tellingly, Dr Thio later contradicted herself in the same article when she implied that a dissident who called for her to be disallowed from teaching about human rights in NYU to be totalitarian.

“Let’s be tolerant but not tolerate whom we consider intolerant. That is totalitarianism by any other name.”

You said it, sister. *COUGH*Hypocrite*COUGH*

We are the World

Something i want to add to my post yesterday.
Despite all the high tech visual effects and a story about transforming robots, the transformers movie is horribly outdated.

Why do i say that?

Notice the slight dig at Obama in the movie? You don't see the president in the movie at all but he does appoint an annoying prick whose job it seems is to make life hard for the people that just wants to shoot at giant robots.

I mean really Obama?
Diplomacy? Dialogue? Peaceful resolutions? ppppfffffftttt.
That's for pussies, man!

Here in AMERICA we solve problems by shooting at it in the face! or crotch depending on how we feel that day. And Explosions! Nothing is more satisfying then seeing stuff disintegrate in a giant fire ball and later we could have a barbeque over the charcoal carcasses of our enemies too. And nukes, we love nukes.

Wait a minute. This is a Bush era movie!
Quick, check if the republicans made Transformers.



In the Transformers, even though the robots fight in many different locations all over the world, it seems only AMERICANS can do anything about them, in fact they are the only people in the world that even seem to know about the transformers. At the final big fight in Egypt the Jordanians sent two helicopters to back up the AMERICANS and got swiftly wiped out by a Decepticon.

PUSSIES, it doesn't matter they would have probably just got in the way of our rippling Biceps. Only the AMERICANS can save the WORLD, so if we skydrop our military in your country just get the fuck out of our way and pray to whatever God you worship to even though it probably wouldn't help as much as our BULLETS!

AMERICA! FUCK YEA!