Pop goes the King of Pop

The king of pop is dead.

Today as news of the death of Michael Jackson spread across the globe, a collective sigh of exasperation was released as thousands of stand up comics had to rewrite half their sets because it suddenly became inappropriate to make a joke about Wacko Jacko, as the media so lovingly called him, for at least half a year.

The sigh was quickly followed by the sound of multitudes of pens and pencils crossing out jokes on whatever comics write their jokes on. (I write them on the inside of my boxer shorts)

Shortly after that, a subtly different sound of the same writing instruments could be heard rewriting the jokes because Michael Jackson was kind of weird and it is okay to make fun of weird people as long as you follow up with a joke about yourself being weird but not quite as weird.

Picture of normalcy

Michael will be remembered for his indelible legacy on music, with such songs as the ultimate wanker anthem “Beat It”.

BEEEeeeeaaaaatttttt IIIIITTTTTtttt!!! JUST BBEEaaat IIIITtt!!

Although this legacy is somewhat mired by several controversies, such as the whole ‘moonwalk’ incident where he was accused of stealing credit of inventing the moonwalk from Neil Armstrong, the case was eventually settled out of court.

Also recent accusations of child molestation greatly denigrated his charitable reputation, his lawyers put forth the defense that it was just a misunderstanding and that Michael was merely trying to help the children like that big guy from the movie Green Mile.

However a report from the Department of Pseudo-Sciences have released a statement expressing their incredulity regarding the pop star’s death, saying that “ You can’t kill what is already dead”, probably in reference to the music video for ‘Thriller’, which the department claims was an attempt to supplant subversive thoughts into the minds of youth by portraying the undead as “hip” and “cool”.

Undead?

In related news, North Korea has declared that the country will cease all nuclear and missile activities as a sign of respect for the Moonwalker, “until the US has time to grieve for their great loss”.

Iran has also announced a week of mourning.

I hear lawsuit's bells a-ringing...

Joe Satriani is sueing Coldplay for plagiarism.

If you don’t know, read about it here.

I think Joe isn’t handling it in the best possible way.

Here what he should have done.

Joe Satriani should have announced that he was releasing a new single of an instrumental cover of Coldplay’s ‘Viva la Vida’. But instead of actually doing a cover, he should have just re-released ‘If I Could Fly'.

Then when everyone who listens to it says, “Man, this is such a rip off! Its just ‘If I Could Fly’.”

Then Joe Satriani could say, “EXACTLY!”

He would still sue Coldplay. Its just funnier this way.

Icicles

Doing attachment work is not helping my writing, i've hardly had time to catch a thought.
So here's an old one i wrote in a stream of consciousness during a conversation with a friend.


Working is like watching an icicle melt and counting every drop of melted water because if you miss one you won’t get paid, not that it pays a lot because you’re supposed to be learning the purity of melted icicle water droplets, also if you fail at your task, your diploma of icicle melting will melt away like the subject of your studies.

You go back home, but you can’t shake the image of the icicle melting and you jerk off thinking it will help take your mind off it but it doesn’t, because that’s kinda like an icicle melting upside down.

So you go to sleep and you have a nightmare where you have to watch icicles melt for the rest of yr life.
You wake up in a cold sweat, which only adds to your fear, you think the icicles melted on you while you were asleep.

You realise it’s time to go to work again, you contemplate suicide, but drop the idea when all your ideas involve icicles somehow.

You go to work praying that global warming would hurry up.

Fly Swatting with Prof Dick

Here’s something I read in the newspapers.

“Over the past two decades, Professor Michael Dickinson has been interviewed by reporters hundreds of times about his research on the biomechanics on insect flight”

While it is very comforting that some researchers devote their time to things other than curing cancer or solving world hunger and shit. Still, two decades? That’s kind of a really long time to be filming insects, which is basically what he does according to the article.

Over the years many reporters have asked him questions like, “ Why the fuck don’t you get a real job?” or “Do you have some weird fetish for insects? you creep” and “Why did your parents think it was a good idea to stick with the name Dickinson?”

To which Professor Dick replies “Why don’t you all go stick a carrot up your arse?”

That is not to say he does not have something to show for it.

After two decades, Prof Dick has managed to answer the age old question of why is it so hard to swat a fly.

The answer? Because they move away. No really, that’s the answer.

He calls it, “Visually mediated motor planning in the escape response of drosophila”.

The whole thing is really just a long-winded way of saying that when a fly sees a swatter coming to squash the life out of it, decides that it would rather live than die and proceeds to move out of the way.

Oh and I checked drosophila means flies.

Any reasonable human being that is not retarded would realise from reading this that prof dick is running an elaborate con, but he gets away with it by using big words and wearing a white coat.

Come on are people so ignorant or thick to not see this?

Well now you know.

Now please excuse me, I have some very important work regarding the stimulation of the turgid form of a previously flaccid bodily part containing cavernous tissue when that tissue becomes dilated with blood with one or two terminal parts of the forelimb.

Oranges and genes

A revelation has shook the very foundations of the scientific community.

According to genetic researcher Kasumi Mitsubishi, he had succeeded in genetically modifying the humble orange into a new fruit he calls 'red'.

Mitsubishi says after three years of intensive gene splicing and other scientific stuff, he has managed to find and replace the 'orange' gene of an orange and substitute it with a 'red' gene.
The result is a completely new fruit which he has dubbed 'red'.

Mitsubishi has announced his discovery on monday and has made plans to sell the new fruit with the company that brought us cubed watermelons and seedless grapes.

But the citizens of Japan that were salivating at the opportunity to shove another abomination of nature into their throats were soon met with disappointment

A few days later, it was discovered that Mitsubishi had in fact been deceiving the scientific community by faking his discovery, when under going testing of the new fruit 'red' researchers found that it was in fact an apple that was beaten into the shape of an orange with a meat tenderiser.

Mitsubishi is currently on trial for crimes against humanity.