God, Already?

A few days ago the world was, for a moment, united in celebration. Although that moment would come earlier or later for different people depending on where on the surface of this floating mudball they happened to be at that time.

What, you might ask, could possibly transcend racial, ideological, religious and national boundaries?
That was a rhetorical question, if you had to spend more than 1 second thinking about it, you really ought to just give up on life right now because you obviously have no clue. The answer is, of course, New Years Day.

Don’t you love how I castigated anyone for not knowing the answer to my rhetorical question then proceeding to answer it just in case anybody was still having trouble figuring it out? I am kidding about killing yourself if the answer did not immediately leaped at you and slapped you with 2010 calendars with January 1 circled in bold red.

I mean who else would read my blog?

People of the world stood anxiously watching the numbers at the back of their time-keeping devices roll over and experienced such unbridled joy at seeing such an amazing tableau of arithmetic that they shot off rockets in a shower of orgasmic bliss.

And they said Mathematics was boring!

Parents who are fully aware of the connotations behind such a display smiled knowingly with a wink and a nod to other parents while children stared transfixed unable to understand exactly why it made them so happy and just soaking in the atmosphere.

I remember vividly how the last seconds of the previous year was spent. I was thoroughly engaged in sorting out if the New Year started at midnight or just after that, I was shaken from my deliberations from some distracting shouting from the television then decided to give it up as the question was already obsolete.

But here is another question, one that I believe should be publicly discussed, why should we celebrate New Years Day?

Yes, I know it is supposed to be about hope for a better year ahead, but it just seems illogical to me, like buying a JBL 38-Special Reef Gun before you are absolutely sure you won the lottery.


How was I to know I couldn’t use it to catch fish in Singapore?
Also it was on sale, only $207.43!

What I propose instead is a different holiday, it will be held on the 31 December every year and it will be called ‘Good Riddance Day’ or ‘Day of Good Riddance’ depending on how pretentious you want to be.

The ‘Day of Good Riddance’ would, as the name suggests, be a celebration of all the bad stuff that we hope to leave behind, it would be celebrated in the same manner in which people try to forget things, by getting stupidly drunk.

I believe that the ‘Day of Good Riddance’ would be a more legitimate holiday than New Years Day, simply because while nobody can say with any certainty that the proceeding year would turn out to be one worthy of celebration, everyone will ineluctably end up with at least a couple of things they want to forget at the end of each year.

So there it is, I am officially renouncing New Years Day and will from now on only celebrate the ‘Day of Good Riddance’ and I hope all of my readers will follow my lead and spread the word.

It won’t be hard, all that is really different is the name and that it is a day earlier.